Vader Wars

Below you will find the results of my having challenged myself for a number of days to write a short story with a beginning and middle and an end inside of 30 minutes. Here is what I came up with. I hope you like it.

Larry spent about two years and several hundred dollars assembling his Darth Vader costume. His sister worked in the theater department at Providence College, so she would sometimes help out with the sewing and tailoring. She was not a sci-fi fan, at all, and Larry was kind of a dick, so he couldn’t really depend on her, but the cape she made for him was really cool.

He finished off the outfit with a modified ski jumpsuit and some stuff he picked up at auctions. The helmet was professionally custom blow-moulded by some dudes in Arizona and then covered with shiny black shoe polish.

Larry eased into his Vader role, eventually getting very comfortable. He knew all kinds of Vader trivia, which he would insert into conversations. Soon, he was showing up to parties as Vader, staying in character and demanding that people gift him with fruit punch. Sometimes Larry would overdo it:  one time, he overheated and passed out. 350 lb. Darth Vader went klunk right on the couch. We called the ambulance. The paramedics showed up and one of them yelled, “A Klingon!” People got really pissed off. I think Larry wrote an email to them.

Larry’s Mom started dating this rich guy named Kenny, who spent $800 on an officially licensed Darth Vader costume. I don’t know if he wanted to impress Larry or piss him off. He pissed him off. Kenny was 6’4” and weight about 220 and had played football at Purdue. He was a really nice guy who happened to look JUST LIKE Darth Vader.

Anyway, people started asking Kenny to march in parades and entertain children in hospitals and stuff.

Sometime he would bring Larry along – also dressed at Vader. It looked like Real Vader being accompanied a Short Vader who had recently been blasted with a fat ray.

Larry’s apnea meant that Vader’s ‘heavy breathing’ was a signal that the helmet was too constricting and Larry was about to tip over.

Larry eventually bagged the Vader stuff. He started showing up at parties with an acoustic guitar and playing Monty Python and Bonzo Dog Band songs.

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