Mean Lady Wrestlers At The Whole Foods (for Terry Southern)

Below you will find the results of my having challenged myself for a number of days to write a short story with a beginning and middle and an end inside of 30 minutes. Here is what I came up with. I hope you like it.

Tiger Girl and Jungle Girl were beating the shit out of the kid from the small batch beer place right near the entrance!

“Oh Fuck,” belted Juniper, leaping out from behind the seafood cooler!  “The Lady Wrestlers are here!”

Tiger Girl and Jungle Girl cackled evilly and delivered an illegal low kick to the beer shmoe, who collapsed like over boiled kale.

The Strange Guy With The Unironic Tattoos grabbed a shopping cart and charged The Lady Wrestlers.  Unlike many of his coworkers, he refused to singe his flesh with pop culture-logged images of a Mount Rushmore staffed with likenesses of The Misfits instead of former presidents, or Obi Wan Kenobi and Yoda recast as Eric B and Rakim

No.  Instead, he broadcast unmediated guilt and anxiety by way of his very flesh, with ink that read “My psychiatric meds cost $75 a month,” “I was asked to leave The Coast Guard” and “My sister tried to hang herself, twice, while I was at college.  I wasn’t there for her.”

Despite this literally visibly evident self-loathing, the guy could turn a shopping cart into a virtual battering ram.

As Tiger Girl and Jungle Girl rebelliously ground radishes under the rubber soles of their wrestling boots, local moms – somewhat dulled by the side effects of their migraine medication – softly attempted to convince their children to stay away from the violent women.

“Nekocase, don’t bother them,” she muttered.  “Where’s Damon-Naomi?  Damon-Naomi, don’t bother her.”

Unironic Tattoo Guy took advantage of the confusion and sideswiped Tiger Girl’s muscular flank with his shopping cart, knocking her off balance.

Dozens of strong, confident people, many of whom were just last month chanting “Je Suis Charlie” in note-perfect Parisian accents at the demonstration near the boulangerie, were sprinting to the sliding doors, away from this conflict.

The women from the Krav Maga class were elbowing each other with heart-rattling ferocity in their efforts to avoid this battle.

Tiger Girl and Jungle Girl, however, having steadied themselves after Unironic Tattoo Guy’s initial surge, managed to overturn the cucumber display.

“Shanti Sena!” brayed the skinny kid with the bleach-stained Rotten Sound t-shirt.

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